Originally published in Dutch on NRC.nl

His gaze is intense. His eyes are trained on mine; he goes pink in the face, then red, then purple. He purses his lips. Slowly he stands up, never breaking eye contact. I know exactly what’s coming next and what is expected of me. I jump up.

A human being’s eyes are not just for seeing, but also for communicating. A simple glance to the left can be enough to tell someone they should close the window because it’s noisy outside. From the instant of birth, we seek other people’s gaze: probingly, engagingly, winningly.

A great deal of fascinating research has been done into the role of eye contact for babies. In one classic experiment, researchers showed newborn babies two faces on a computer screen. In one face the eyes were averted; in the other, the eyes looked straight out at the baby. Even tiny babies, just a couple of days old, gazed for longer at the face that was looking at them. In a study with slightly older babies, brain activity was measured while the babies looked at the faces. Brainwaves known to be triggered by faces were more marked when the babies looked at faces that were gazing straight ahead than faces whose gaze was averted. Our innate sensitivity to eye contact forms the foundation for the social skills we build up over our lives.

An important role in social bonding is played by the hormone and neurotransmitter oxytocin. It strengthens trust and empathy and contributes to the formation of close relationships, like between parents and children, or between partners. The substance is also released during eye contact. A study examining the interaction between mothers and their babies found an association between the oxytocin levels in the mothers’ blood and how much eye contact they made with their child. Mothers with high oxytocin levels gazed for longer and seldom let go of their child’s gaze. Mothers with low oxytocin levels showed a tendency to avert their gaze if their child was distressed.

A study with dogs

Eye contact is also important for other mammals, and similar underlying processes are found. A research study on marmosets found that spraying oxytocin in an animal’s nostrils made it focus for longer on the eyes of fellow marmosets it was shown on a screen. Administration of an antagonist, an oxytocin blocker, completely reversed this effect. Another study, on dogs, showed that eye contact between dogs and their owners stimulated oxytocin production in both. In our own research on humans, we saw that gazing at one another stimulates mirroring behaviour and even the synchronization of various unconscious physiological processes. For social animals, eye contact is important for alignment.

A few years ago, I lived for some time in Japan. I quickly noted a major difference from the Netherlands. The Japanese colleague I shared a room with avoided looking the boss in the eye, and his voice seemed to go up several octaves whenever he spoke to his superior. One day, after we had been working together for several months, we had an unusually frank conversation and he admitted that he had had a hard time getting used to my eyes. “They are so light and piercing.” In western societies looking someone straight in the eye is often associated with honesty and attention. In certain eastern cultures, however, it is viewed as more respectful to avoid eye contact, especially in interacting with figures in authority. I had got it all wrong. It would have been more appropriate for me, especially as a woman, to have taught myself to make less eye contact with my colleagues. This is also a genetic aspect to this. There is a connection between attachment style and genetic variation in the type of oxytocin receptor present, and this has a distinct effect on how we form relationships in the East and in the West. Genes and culture together can influence social processes. Which may perhaps explain why I sometimes felt lonely in Japan.

Sensitive messages

Precisely because we can convey so many sensitive messages with our eyes, nuance is called for. Eye contact can be interpreted as a sign of confrontation or aggression, or as an expression of sexual interest. Pretty complex stuff, then, so it’s not surprising that children take a while to learn the right balance between too much and too little eye contact. They don’t yet know that it’s not polite to stare, or that in some situations it may be appropriate to avert your gaze. And from some adults this all remains a bit of a minefield. For this reason, people with social anxiety or autism often prefer to entirely avoid looking at another person’s eyes and prefer to focus instead on their hands, which, after all, can also express a great deal through gestures, but cannot look back or judge.

I walk towards him. Not just his eyes, but the visible weight dragging down the crotch of his trousers speaks a thousand words. The silent dialogue with my son is interrupted by his triumphant voice: “Done a poo! New nappy!”